Weeding Out Toxic Friends

Toxic friends have no place in our lives. These friends are like weeds that suck the life and happy feelings out of us. As a naive little girl,  my mission was to make friends who would like me for who I am. Being the introverted and far from perfect girl that I was, I didn’t feel like I fit the typical teenager stereotype. Instead, I would find myself blending in with other people who were also unpopular, introverted and wanted nothing to do with high school drama. I invested several years into one very strong friendship in particular. Over the years, our lives became less and less parallel, as I slowly started succeeding in different areas of my life. Sure, I lost a handful of friends over the years but toxic friends have no place in my life either. Regardless of how long you have known someone, if they leave a bad taste in your mouth, then you need to let them go. There was a girl who I trusted her more than anyone, and on the surface it appeared that we had a good friendship. We did a lot of stupid things I admit, and at one point we were shit disturbers (I will not list the awful things we did). However, at the time it was more fun and games because we were just young dumb teenagers at the time. What really bothered me was how she would vanish when she was confronted with an awkward situation and she would seldom apologize. Later, the hangouts and conversations would proceed as if nothing had happened. She also started bailing on meetings over the years and I was even warned about this by ex friend #2. They are bonded together like glue and brainwashed by each other’s lies and stupidity. I am not here to beat around the bush. I had confronted them both after a huge drama dispute and honestly, our friendships should have ended for good the first time. I should have blocked them and moved on with my life. Since they proceeded to drop their shit bomb on me again, I proceeded with a follow-up break-up letter to ex friend #1 who was responsible for most of the damage caused.

There is nothing wrong with writing break up letters, whether it is to a friend or an ex boyfriend/girlfriend. But PLEASE don’t do it over a Facebook post or text message. That is simply not cool. I thought it would be informative to share with you my break up letter to ex friend #1. My break up letter to ex friend #2 is currently in the works but there is really no point reasoning with her. By the way, I mail my letters and ex friend #1 coincidentally has an upcoming birthday around the same time that my letter will reach her doorstep. Was this intentionally planned? Maybe. For future reference, let’s call ex friend #1 Jenna. I won’t disclose her real name on the internet, regardless of how much pain she has caused me. Let’s call ex friend #2 Emma. This letter is the exact letter I sent Jenna* in the mail. If you’re going to go all in, you gotta do it right. ♥♥♥

Dear Jenna*, 

This is the last thing that you will be receiving from me. The only reason why I am sending you this letter is to formally give closure about terminating our friendship. I think it is very clear (it should be clear) as to why I am upset with you. You have succeeded at emotionally and mentally draining me. This friendship became toxic and I am more miserable now compared to when we first met. That being said, I am very hurt and will be hurting for a very long time. Breaking up with a friend is like breaking up with a lover. The pain hurts in the same way. You won’t have to know what I am up to anymore or feel badly about yourself when you feel the need to compare yourself to me. You won’t know my struggles or my achievements. I pray now, I meditate, I draw; I spend time with the people who matter. I hope that one day you will wake up and realize that you fucked up a good friendship. Only you are capable of changing your ways.

Most importantly, I am truly saddened that our friendship ended the way it did but I don’t want to return to the way things were. I have no desire to rekindle a broken friendship anymore. Once I have lost trust in someone, it is incredibly difficult repair the damage. You have succeeded in breaking my trust and I should have seen the signs. However, I was in total denial because I felt really close to you, so much that I entrusted you with my deepest secrets. I refused to let these conflicting signs interfere with my beliefs. We shared good memories together, laughter, tears, joy etc. Last year, our friendship really started deteriorating soon after I started accomplishing some goals of mine. I was entering a new phase in my life and it was scary. It would have been nice having support but you were never around when I needed a shoulder to cry on or a sister to celebrate these victories with. You would *vanish* just like you did when Eve* flung her shit at me through a cowardly text message (examples, March 1, 2017; summer 2016).

I’ll never know what motivated you to reveal my secrets to Eve and probably others too. Regardless of any kind of justification you may have, it is still wrong to reveal my secrets to Eve et. al. Because a true friend doesn’t violate someone’s trust! I do not enjoy being thrown into the lion’s den, forced to defend myself when Eve acts irrationally and starts attacking me because of something you told her. If she is going to retaliate against me and be rude, then I don’t want to be friends with her either. I know you are going to show her this letter because you can’t seem to keep anything to yourself. Go ahead. I DARE YOU. She believes you are her best friend which we both know is a total lie. She believes that you love hanging out with her which is also a lie. But keep brainwashing her because why change something that works for you, despite the pain that it inflicts upon the rest of us? What I believed to be true also turned out to be a lie. Maybe you will miss me when you can’t vent to me about how much she annoys you, or how you always have to drive her places, or the next time you two have a big falling out and I have to break it up. More times than not, you and Eve are bickering about something. High school is over.

I am going to miss the late night hangouts with you. You were such a good listener and someone who I really trusted. I think you really opened up to me about your struggles too, but unlike you I didn’t blab your secrets to my friends. Unless I am cornered and have to defend myself, I don’t get a thrill from badmouthing people for personal gain. The Jenna who showed her true colors is not the Jenna that I used to know. I miss the old Jenna, the one I envisioned to be the aunt of my daughter and the Sephora expert who knows more about makeup than the employees working there. I know I deserve better than this. I am tired of being stomped on like a doormat and I feel sorry for the people around you who you’ll continue hurting. Fortunately, I am one less person who you’ll feel the need to hurt. You don’t have to worry about being MIA in my life anymore, or being a shit enjoyer at my consequence. The pressure is off. Feels liberating doesn’t it? –Hilary ♥ 

“Be who you are and say what you feel,

Because those who mind don’t matter,

And those who matter don’t mind.”

–Dr. Seuss

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