Breaking Trust…..Again 💔

Disclaimer: I wrote the rough draft over a week ago as I am still fumbling around with the stupid Block Editor. However, this event does not dismiss the emotional turmoil, exhaustion, and frustration I have regarding what happened last week. Things are still awful and I am as moody as ever, since I am having a hard time coming to terms with things. I am not sure where to go from here or how to remedy the situation. It is hard for me to give you enough context without sharing too much of my private life online.

Sept 7, 2020 @11:55 AM: I am scrolling, scrolling. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I am trying so hard not to cry. No, this cannot be real. This cannot be happening again. We had a promise. A promise of trust so fragile that it shattered yet again. A promise so fleeting that I could feel it escaping through my fingers like sand. I find myself screaming and shaking like someone who is in the midst of a mental breakdown. Then it dawned on me: Maybe I can take the pain away with some painkillers. Tylenol is innocent enough, it wont hurt me… maybe then, my emotional pain will disappear and I won’t have to feel anything. I just want to feel nothing…. 

I wish that I didn’t have to write this depressing post. I wish that yesterday didn’t happen, but it did. I took a more than the recommended dose of Tylenol. My liver may not have been too happy with me but I am fine. I suggest that you try to suppress your pain with medication. It will not take away your emotional pain. To feel any kind of relief, I think I would need to black out which might be accomplished with alcohol. I abstain from alcohol and I don’t take prescription meds, so the strongest thing I have is Tylenol. Once I swallowed 2/3 of a bottle of Advil in one sitting, took a nap, and woke up with an unrelenting headache. I was fine. Nobody found out about it until a few months later, and by then, I was back to my old self, distracted by academia. 

Miku Hatsune, Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/253679447

I can relate if you are reading this post and desperately want to numb your emotional pain too. To an extent, I understand the challenges that people face with mental health challenges, and I get that life is not all sunshine and rainbows. You will probably be hurt several times in your lifetime, and those you are closest to will probably end up hurting you most. I am writing this blog post because it’s incredibly painful for me to process what happened yesterday, and I just want to be understood. If you want to read about a similar experience I had a few months ago, you can read that blog post here.

Reflecting on 2020 so far, 2020 has been a weird year for all of us. I have been working on getting my $hit together since the beginning of the year. Did the pandemic disrupt my plans? Yes and no. Sure, I did not get to travel this summer but that is not why I am upset. Like I said in my earlier post, it is hard to stay positive when I am dealing with $hit that is VERY triggering for me. My mental health is fragile and I need to do everything I can to protect my well-being. Reflecting on my previous post , we know that there needs to be mutual trust between 2 or more people, in order for any relationship or team to thrive. 

What is so difficult about being honest? Why do you refuse to change your ways when you know that your behaviour hurts me? I don’t care if being honest is more painful than covering up the truth with a bunch of lies. What hurts the most is having the nerve to lie to my face without blinking an eyelash. Even when I question your behaviour, you respond with a lie. You are emotionally unavailable and uninvested in what we were working so hard to build. A relationship is built on 3 things: communication, trust, and affection (may be intimate or non-intimate). 

Liar, Liar 🔥

This is what I want to know: Have you ever told a lie, and did it end well for you? Because it did not end well for me. When someone tells a lie, they end up hurting the people around them. Even if they get away with their lie today, it will eventually catch up to them. Some of the best liars are known to be sociopaths and psychopaths because they are constantly forced to cover up their lies and believe their own BS. Also, they are known to have incredible memory recall. Imagine yourself telling a bunch lies and then having to remember those lies today, tomorrow, a month from now, and even years from now. The psychopath or sociopath might get away with it, but the rest of us will eventually caught. The person who hurt me certainly did get caught and I am still PO’d.

Do you believe that it is ever OK to lie to someone, or continue to lie to someone for whatever reason? Please join the conversation and leave a comment below ↓ I really enjoy reading your comments! ❤️

Thanks for stopping by!

great-vibes.regular (1)

60 thoughts on “Breaking Trust…..Again 💔

  1. Liz says:

    As another commenter had said, I could feel your pain when reading this and I am sorry you feel like you do.
    I have lost count the times in broken promises, or trust broken, so if someone genuine comes along, I try to show my appreciation, but underneath, I am like will they do it too?
    This is why sometimes, even when I find a person I can trust, to fully open my heart, because I don’t want to be taken down the path of hurt. Especially with what I have had to contend with still, since the unforgettable day back in 2019, in another area of my life. I can’t deal with anymore heartache, than what I feel right now.

    Your right that family can hurt more than anyone. I have expressed that, by one who I call ‘coffee promiser.’ A whole year waiting to go out with her for coffee. Over this period several times mentioning we will have to go out for a coffee, but she never getting round to making a day. The last time I allowed this promise to still happen, I was really hanging onto to that coffee and chat because I was in the midst of feeling suicidal and she let me down. Never will I fall for another hope of this coffee and chat.
    She knows I am upset with her and now, she has to make the effort to communicate. I won’t do it first.
    The offer of if I need a chat came out last week, I can text her to chat. Do you think I am going to do that? No, I am not, I have a counsellor to go to at my worst and the friends who were there at my worst and still are now, to chat. My neighbour being the ones who have been the listening ear since 2019 and still are now. So I don’t need to take up on her chat offer in the even of her not being there like before.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Elle says:

    Nooo. Lying is a no no for me. All the guys I’ve been with, I always tell them before we even start anything or like start dating, that I don’t want any liars. I’d rather you hurt me with the truth or ruin everything with a lie. I have had a very difficult past with people lying to me and it’s very hard to forget. 😦 I honestly agree with everything you’ve just said right now. Sending hugs and love to you, Hilary. Hope you’re okay. ❤

    Liked by 8 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      My DH is a sweetheart; he has never cheated or anything like that. That being said, I wish he would tell me the truth. The convos he has with his friends (esp. girls), he is afraid to tell me because of “how I will take the news.” I get that he doesn’t want to hurt me since I easily get jealous, but finding out on my own is the absolute worst. And as much as I have asked him to tell me the damn truth, he still continues to hide it to me (4+ instances now). Recently, he lied to my face when I confronted him… twice. Lying infuriates me, especially when someone can lie so easily to you without batting an eyelash.

      Like

  3. Arristella says:

    Hoping that everything gets better for you.

    I don’t like being lied to. No matter how hard the information is to hear, I would rather be told what it is because lies hurt. And lies are the reason why I have trouble trusting people.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I hope so too, Ribana! His solution wasn’t a solution at all… but more of a write-off. I’m frustrated that we’ve been stuck in limbo for the past 3.5 years and I’m not sure how much more of this crap I can tolerate. Social media has truly wrecked havoc in our relationship and I wish it would just go away. Communication is huge – I cannot stress enough how important it is! One should not have to feel the need to lie to someone. I’m still trying to figure out why he thought it was OK to lie to me. This has happened on more than one occasion….

      Liked by 2 people

      • popsiclesociety says:

        I agree! Communication is very important! Whatever problems one may have he/she needs to express it! But definitely not on social media! This is the only way to solve a problem! Definitely cannot solve anything by lying 🤥 And to not forget that with the lie, the trust goes away too!
        I really hope you can solve this issue! Are really fundamental matters in a relationship!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Hilary Tan says:

        FB messenger is toxic too. It’s no different than texting, and any kind of sensitive convos that are taking place among my DH and his friends is not okay, especially if he doesn’t tell me or gives me white lies (again, not okay!). I tell my DH stuff all the time, including any sensitive convos (my convos are over on WhatsApp since I don’t use FB). FB has turned out to be quite toxic for me and I don’t know when I will be returning to that platform. Not knowing what kinds of convos he is having with his friends, especially ones that are mentally triggering for me, makes me feel uneasy.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. ZeroSpace says:

    If you reach out to me, I’ll make time for you. I’m in a hotel room in Alaska with nothing to do but work, blog, and enjoy some much needed fresh air (west coast resident here). You’re in a lot of pain. You need someone to listen to you. E-mail me and I’ll be there. zerospace05@gmail.com. You could probably also benefit from a professional therapist.
    Although…. I am perfectly aware that the fuckers cost more money than they are typically worth, and the return on investment is pretty slow.
    A short-term fix is a friend or blogger friend who will listen. If you’re game. Whether or not you choose to e-mail me, I am really hoping you feel better soon because I have lived my own version of the nightmare you are experiencing. Peace and love to you, Hilary.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I have 12hr clinical shifts these days (for school) so there’s no time to email, sadly. Thank you for the offer though! 🙂 If you use WhatsApp (or texting) feel free to reach me there – that I check daily. I don’t mind exchanging numbers if that interests you.

      I would have done CBT but due to COVID-19, it’s very hard finding someone on campus. I never did finish those CBT sessions. I figured since the person who keeps lying to me won’t listen, I would blog about it. Thank you for reaching out to me! Reading your comment was comforting 🥰

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        They charge top dollar to have sessions over the phone. This was technically included in tuition, but I still prefer face-to-face. The university also offers mental health Zoom meetings but I’m really tired of Zoom tbh. I feel like this issue is more of the other person’s lack of EQ and common sense than it is mine. I feel like they could benefit more from therapy even though they deny that they even have a problem.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Joana says:

    A BIG NO! It is never okay to lie even if it’s a white lie (sometimes), that’s what I established with my relationships. Never lie to me, because I won’t ever trust you again.

    I hope you’re feeling better now. It’s okay to be frustrated and mad.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Especially in relationships, I agree that it is not okay to lie! I have lost friendships over lying in the past (yes, even I am guilty of lying) so I know how badly it can hurt people. In the end, it is just not worth it. Some lies are worse than others – I get that this person meant to “protect me” and had good intentions, but when I specifically told him time after time again to just tell me the damn truth, he continued to lie to me, even to my face. And every time I find out the truth, I lose my $hit. The fighting is exhausting and I just wish it would end. I am tired of fighting and just want peace. ✌💕

      Liked by 1 person

      • Cookie Girl🤪 says:

        I can totally agree with you Hil, but I’m really hoping that you get better. Right, everyone says it’s only to protect you and everything but I think seriously protecting me is when you tell the freaking truth. At least they didn’t lie, at least you know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        In some ways I am doing much better these days. Thank you for checking in with me @CookieGirl. In other ways, I’m still in the same place as before, dealing with the same issues as before. 🙇‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Yinda says:

    Hey Hilary.
    Breaks my heart that you’re going through such a hard time. Lying to people, knowing fully well it would really hurt them when the truth comes out is pathetic and unfair. Sending you love and light, hoping you feel better soon. ❤

    Liked by 6 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Hi Yinda!
      Thank you for your encouraging words. I enjoy reading the comments – they’re therapeutic 😇 This “drama” between me and DH have been ongoing and I haven’t been happy for a very long time. I’m hoping that things start to look up. Lately, I’ve been practicing LoA and gratitude even though it’s hard to see the light sometimes. I wish ppl could see how wrong lying is and how their selfish actions hurt those around them, especially those they love most🌹🥀

      Like

      • Yinda says:

        I’m so sorry to hear that. I do hope he fixes up soon because you don’t deserve this hurt.
        Hang in there and please keep trying to stay positive. You will get through this. 💕💕

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        He is still in denial about his behaviour, and his solution is completely unrelated to the root problem, that is, his lying. He thinks that as long as I am happy, it does not matter if he continues to hide things from me. We are still in disagreement about what’s OK and what’s not, and I am sick and tired of trying to get through to him. Social media (FB messenger especially) has caused more problems for us than good.

        Like

  7. Cookie Girl🤪 says:

    I’m very sorry for you, Hilary, hope you’re better and keep the little tiny hope sparking inside of you! But you can get through these challenging times you’re facing at the moment. No, I don’t think it’s okay to lie, we sometimes regret it a lot and we’re the only ones sulking after that. I mean, if it’s a happy surprise or so, yes, but I think just communicating with that person is better! Don’t bottle up your feelings inside, let them all out and I’ll promise you, it’ll make you feel better all the way.
    Sending loads and loads of love, so much love that you can’t even imagine. x

    Liked by 3 people

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Thank you for commenting, Cookie Girl! I just started final semester and have no time for WP, so I apologize for the super late reply. Luckily, something good did come out of all of this and I am praying that it stays that way. Lying is still not OK in my book and I am still very frustrated that [he] continues to think that this is acceptable behaviour.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. PoojaG says:

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I don’t think lying is okay because you may at that moment protect someones feelings but in the end it’s going to feel much worse when they do find out the truth. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hilary Tan says:

      Exactly. I didn’t use he/she before but I’m going to use it here. Yes, he told me that he didn’t tell me because of how I would react… but finding out for myself was so much worse. And why is it always through Facebook messenger? That’s where I found out. He must have thought he was safe because I don’t use Facebook. Before I found out, I asked him about it and he lied to me not once but twice. He said he “didn’t know how to tell me.” It’s the lamest excuse for a lie if you ask me. A week+ later and I am still furious, still angry, and still upset that he hasn’t changed at all. This is now the 4th time that the same BS has happened. Yet he’s so addicted to social media that it ends up hurting our relationship in the end. And for something that could have been prevented had he just told me the truth. 😓

      Liked by 1 person

      • PoojaG says:

        That’s the thing about lying. You protect the person for a while but it will always come back to haunt you and the situation just gets so much more complicated. No one deserves to be lied to and if you really cared about not hurting someones feelings you would just talk to them and be honest. Yes they would be mad initially and yes it may take them a while to forgive you but at least you can move on together and work on the problem. I really hope he is more honest with you in the future. Social media can be extremely toxic for relationships. This is why I really don’t like social media.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        I think some people lie out of ignorance – perhaps they don’t know better or are completely incapable of changing their ways. I find that whatever I tell him goes in through one ear and out the other. He knows it hurts me yet continues to do it, and as long as certain platforms remain an outlet for lying (FB messenger), he will continue to engage in this behaviour. I agree that social media is very toxic for relationships. I roll my eyes at FB and other social media platforms that are destructive. It would be a much more peaceful world without it imo.

        Liked by 1 person

      • PoojaG says:

        I agree that social media is definitely making the world a much worse place. ‘

        Yes, unfortunately some people don’t easily change their ways and continue repeating the behaviour even if it is hurtful for you.

        This is Pooja by the way- this is my new profile.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hilary Tan says:

        Hey Pooja! WP made me approve your comment (it does that for new profiles and people!) it shows up now in comments!

        Habits are hard to break which makes them especially toxic, esp. when the behaviour has some kind of reward (like lying, for instance).

        Liked by 1 person

      • PoojaG says:

        Yeah it said waiting for moderation!

        I agree it’s very hard to break habits even in general and when you get positive reinforcement for it it becomes even harder.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Hilary Tan says:

      How interesting. The person who lied to me is Roman Catholic. I don’t think that there is a such thing as a perfect human, and I think that everyone at some point in their lives has told a lie or two. What bothers me is when someone refuses to change their ways, especially when this behaviour is an ongoing problem.

      Like

  9. Shelly DS says:

    Oh Hilary, how are you feeling now? It saddens me to know you’re going through something and feel the need to take pills to numb the pain. I don’t know what’s happening or how to make it better, so I’ll send my love 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hilary Tan says:

      I’m feeling okay right. The main topic that the lie was about ended up leading to something beautiful (silver linings) so I’m focussing my attention on that these days. The lies however are still an issue and hopefully he’s aware that it’s not okay to lie. I’m currently living in weird times – supposed to be in school but not allowed to go to clinical due to a COVID-19 outbreak. So I’m in school but not in school. I’m equally as confused about it.

      Like

  10. Jenny in Neverland says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time emotionally. I hope you’re feeling a little better now and I send my love. In regards to you question about lying, that’s a tricky one. I think in some instances it’s okay but it’s so subjective and heavily depends on the situation and context x

    Liked by 2 people

  11. buddy71 says:

    first of all since im reading this over a week after your posting, i hope you are feeling better and im so sad to read of your distress and the attempt to end your life. i am glad you did not succeed. this pandemic seems to have intensified all the negative things going on in our lives. of course going to nursing school adds to whatever other stressors going on in your life. self harm is not the answer to your problems. only removing or accepting them is. seeking professional help can also be of help. venting here on your blog can also be helpful. you are very brave to share the events in your life, but i would hope that others who may be feeling the same as you, will read and know they are not alone. sending you positive vibes. hugs.

    lies- we learn to lie at a very young age as we are lied to, i feel, from the moment we are born. as we grow up, lies are all around us. parents tell us of santa claus, easter bunny, the sandman, faries and the boogyman. we are lied to in advertisements. we lie to those around us by using make up. we lie to save face and to try and not hurt others. lying may not be right, but it is, i feel, ingrained in us and it is possible we just can not help ourselves to lie.

    Liked by 2 people

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