No Carbs, No Life!

While I was taking my baby for a morning stroll in the lobby, with my fancy-ass Starbucks cup in hand, I felt extremely groggy. This might sound hypocritical because I am no longer supporting Starbucks. Why? Their prices have gotten completely out of control up here in North America. I am not going to spend $5 on a small chilled iced tea with 3/4 ice in it or $6 on a frappuchino, especially when I can make these drinks myself. There are Starbucks take-out cups in the hotel room so I made my own English Breakfast Tazo tea with a splash of vanilla soy milk. Yes, I am camping out at a hotel this week and the baby is less than amused. Personally, I don’t blame her. I would hate it here too if I was stuck in a stroller or playpen all day. She’s a Miss Monkey so I don’t exactly trust her on the bed. She’s figured out how to roll off of the bed already, despite the pillow barricade I made to prevent this incident from happening. My ruthlessness must make me a bad mother, but I have yet to meet one mother who hasn’t made any mistakes. I’m a flawed human raising a 50% look-a-like munchkin with monkey abilities. So sue me. pexels-photo-227668.jpegAfter my 11-hour night’s sleep divided by 1 diaper change and a feeding, you would think that is plenty of sleep for a normal adult. However, this isn’t an “off-day” for me since I could sleep all day, every day, given the opportunity. I’m not sure how long I have had iron deficiency anemia, but I’m guessing that it has been affecting me for years. The signs which weren’t so obvious years ago are very obvious now. No amount of pills, diet changes, sunshine or prayer have helped me recover. While I was sipping my morning tea, I grabbed my spastic phone and started researching Iron Deficiency Anemia treatments like a madwoman.

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This isn’t the first time that I have researched this particular topic. I wasn’t searching for iron supplements or injection sites since my current city of residence doesn’t offer iron shots. No. I was looking for ways to increase my iron levels on my own. In my previous post, Why I left Multi-Level Marketing, I mentioned that I am tired of taking supplements and having to rely on them to function somewhat normally. I also mentioned that I am miserable on a low-carbohydrate diet and that this love-hate relationship with food isn’t working out.

Somehow, I have managed to convince myself that I am sickly, thanks to the internet confirming my beliefs that I have these disorders/diseases, to name a few: Celiac disease, lactose intolerance, depression, tooth decay and chronic fatigue. This leaves me with very limited food options. No wheat. No dairy. No sugar. No life.


Disclaimer: What you are about to see is not mine. You can check out Jenny’s website for more hilarious posts at The Bloggess.

“OH I DON’T NEED REAL FOOD. I’LL JUST LIVE ON THIS RAW CABBAGE.  I’M SO HAPPY. THIS IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.”

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This particular post by Jenny Lawson made my day brighter. Luckily, nobody heard me actually Laughing Out Loud in the front lobby downstairs. I must have looked foolish in my pajamas, unbrushed hair and ratty hoodie surrounded by a large wedding party that appeared out of nowhere. There were 10 bridesmaids blocking my path as I sheepishly meandered my way through the blockade of picture-perfect cover girls. I don’t understand how some people can be so loud, hyper and happy ALL. THE. TIME. Perhaps this is my fatigue and depression talking. Seriously, I must have looked pathetic as I made my way past them while avoiding eye-contact and feeling sorry for myself that I’ll never get to be a bridesmaid in my lifetime.

Social Comparison on Social Media

If someone told me 10 years ago that I would be married by now with a child, I would have laughed at them and thought they were insane. I never imagined myself to be where I am now but despite my highlight reel, I do not make a point to brag about it on Facebook and other forms of social media. I am one who despises when other people brag about how great their lives are and it would be hypocritical of me to do the same.

That’s great your career is going well and you just bought a house with your boyfriend. That’s great you just got a promotion. That’s great you had a wedding that I wasn’t invited to. That’s great you have a lovely family and a million siblings – I wonder what that’s like! That’s great you post a gazillion photos of your amazing life every day. That’s great you are pregnant and a couple years from now you’ll be pregnant again. Since I cannot get away from these announcements, I cut myself off of social media. Please tell me in person so I’ll actually care in a genuine way. The last place I want to find out is on Facebook, where I feel pressured to conform and congratulate you in the most shallow way possible.

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“Being different isn’t a bad thing. It just means that you are brave enough to be yourself.” -unknown

Now, I know that we all have problems but we seldom hear about the bad things in life. I much rather hear about someone’s struggles than see a constant highlight reel of someone’s life. My parents have instilled in me to only post the good things because otherwise, people would know me on a deeper level. Go figure! Isn’t that the point? To connect with people on a meaningful level? Let’s face it, shallow isn’t a meaningful level. If I cannot post freely, then I rather not post at all. I hope that my family doesn’t find this blog because the moment they do I will be getting an earful of lectures. Once my mother found my Instagram I stopped posting because of her criticisms. My parents find ways to creep my Facebook so I stopped posting there as well. My second “private” account is not so private if my real name is searched. Now, how did that happen?? I honestly question the Facebook privacy settings.

My husband strongly discourages social comparison but he doesn’t understand it the same way I do. He didn’t struggle with life the same way I did and he doesn’t suffer from depression, anxiety, loneliness, and isolation. For me, social media brings out feelings of jealousy so I am better off being ignorant to the newsfeed. He says that I attract certain people and in a way he is right. I seem to resonate better with unhappy people in general: the high school drop-outs, low-class people from dysfunctional families, unhealthy people with medical conditions, pessimistic people who see the glass half empty etc. In a way, I want to help them, and perhaps I feel sorry for them. It’s hard for me to resonate with people who are exactly like me.

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Husband with our sweet baby girl.

These people, in contrast, trigger my anxiety and depression. I am not only comparing myself to successful people but when my life is at a standstill I am even more prone to self-loathing. I have a strong, innate desire to be successful and exceed people’s expectations and with that comes dissatisfaction and feelings of unworthiness.

From a distance, someone may think that I have a good life, and maybe I do but its hard for me to see it. I cannot understand why ANYONE would be jealous of me. I have A LOT of struggles but they hardly see this side of me. I occasionally use a private forum on my phone for well-being, logging and calendar charting. I like the anonymity of the social feature but it also saddens me since I will never truly get to know these ladies beyond a phone screen. The relationships are shallow and just as quickly as we became forum friends, one can easily hit the “unfollow” button which I am equally guilty of doing. It’s not that I have anything against these ladies (unless they are rude and end up on the blocked list). However, if you fill my home page with bragger-y, TMI posts, pregnancy announcements, big accomplishments that crave praise etc. I need to protect my sanity (aka. my inner child, the identity I actually resonate with). I hope you understand that my well-being is a delicate vessel that needs nurturing which only I can nurture. My inner child does not receive proper nourishment from validation, likes and praise on social media and yours shouldn’t either. That would be similar to feeding my inner child candy bars, chips, and soda. I need REAL nourishment and that satiation can only come from within.

 

 

Unsolicited Baby Advice

There is no easy way to handle unwanted baby advice, especially from a family member whom you simply cannot avoid. Unless I ask for advice on parenting, I do not want your opinions shoved in my face. I cannot tell you how many times someone has given me “the talk” about how to properly parent. Worst case is when they give me a lecture on how I don’t properly parent. Headphones in. Volume up. Ignore the world.

Well, I’m not ignoring my baby of course. It’s all of the unsolicited opinions from people who rub me the wrong way. Sometimes, strangers or former friends/acquaintances would walk up to me and comment on my daughter’s appearance in an ignorant manner as if I didn’t already know. Some days I rather not leave the house than be forced to interact with people. In a future blog post, I will talk about this in more detail.

Recently, I have been avoiding family members on the phone because every time they call, I get some kind of lecture. It has gotten to the point where I have the temptation to hang up on people. Lately, I would check caller display to see who is calling. Then I would debate whether or not I’m going to talk to them, and several times I ended up ignoring the call. Last time when I visited my grandmother, she proceeded to give me unwanted advice, and her negativity made me cry. I was an emotional wreck then and still am now, but that was my breaking point. After that visit, I proceeded to ignore her phone calls and attempted to write her a letter instead.

Thought I would share my letter with you like I did in Weeding Out Toxic Friends. Names I won’t disclose so we’ll just refer to her as grandmother*. I have yet to hear whether she received my letter in the mail. I am curious to know what you think of my actions in the comments section↓. Am I being extreme or were my actions necessary?

Dear Grandmother*,

           I am writing to you because I know that you don’t use email and I am not ready to talk on the phone yet. I’m not sure what my mother has been telling you, but take it from me rather than from her. Lately, I have been in a very confusing and difficult place, thus forcing me to leave social media and “cut” some toxic people out of my life. I had cut the toxic people, so that is one step forward. When people ask me how I am doing, I do not know how to answer that question.

          Yes, on the surface I am a new mom and probably a naive one too. However, I am dealing with things that none of my friends or family is dealing with, so I ask that people keep their “thoughtful” opinions to themselves. As a new mom, I know what I am doing and I am getting some of the best guidance from an experienced guy who knows how to handle babies. He has taught me a lot and has made me confident enough to handle tasks on my own. Although you may be trying to give me advice, I do not want anyone’s advice unless I ask for it. Do not take it personally, but any negativity isn’t welcome nor do I want it. If I have questions, I ask my mother since she seems to enjoy keeping tabs on my life and current whereabouts. The stuff that I tell you and others is just a mere glimpse of my life, so any judgments based on these facts are inaccurate and bluntly speaking, seldom true. I do not need guidance, or advice on how to live my life. I also do not need people telling me what I should be doing or could be doing rather than what I am currently doing. As a resolution, I made a promise to myself to live in the present moment and do what I think is the right choice at this present time. It may not be the most logical choice however, but if it feels right to me then I am going to listen to what my heart wants.

          I am here if you want to talk to me. There is no need to question our friendship. Truth is, you are my favorite grandmother and I feel closer to you than my own mother when it comes to personal issues. Lately, my mother has been trying to get closer to me because of the distance separating us, but we cannot live together long term. [rest of the letter has been omitted for personal reasons]. 

Love, Hilary ♥

What’s Up Buttercup?

My mom left me in charge to take care of the dog. No notice just wakes me up from my deep sleep to tell me that there was more leftover money from the Bridal Shower that she threw for me the other day. She makes leftovers seem like it is something to avoided, but I would never turn down money. My hand ached last night from all of the thank-you’s I wrote out by hand and mailed. I have multiple bandages on my blistered fingers to prove it!  I can’t even imagine how many hours of thank-you’s there will be from the wedding this coming may, and the number of handwritten notes there will be until my fingers seize up.

My mother makes a point to remind me that I should be in her debt for the rest of my life – that I should utterly grateful for all of her generosity and sacrifices she made since the day she gave birth to me. Yet, she fails miserably with that horrible attitude that she displays on a daily basis which makes me want to rip my hair out. I have no idea where my mother disappeared to this morning. She hardly tells me anything and probably assumes that I went back to bed. The family room doors are tied to lock out the dog, so she already came to that conclusion that I wouldn’t be down here. Once I am woken from sleep, it is almost impossible to go back to bed. Since coming home, my morning usually starts being obnoxious around 7am or 8am. On a lucky day, I might get to sleep in until 11 am at the latest.pexels-photo-316776

Now if only I had this type of discipline in Saskatchewan, where I am currently living with my husband to be. By the time we go back to Saskatchewan, we will be married. I was never a fan of weddings – all of the attention, the hype and the $$$ for one freaking day. Compared to my cousins though, I think my wedding will be the best. Not to be biased or anything by my mother likes to go over the top to make sure everything is perfect. My fiance and I are not having a honeymoon which is fine by me. We have to fly back the day after our wedding so he can work the following day. Despite the lack of honeymoon, Asia is still on my list of places to visit. We might end up going to Asia next June if things work out in our favour.

Now back to my sad reality. I woke up the other morning with blood marks on my pillow and an ant biting my face, dangling by a hair strand. I killed that bastard as quickly as I could and threw the pillow across the room. The ant infestation is bad – they invaded last year and we finally defeated them with poison. Since the ants only seem to be congregating mostly in my room and the upstairs hallway, my dad refuses to help me get rid of them. He is very lazy and doesn’t seem to care that there are ANTS – possibly the carpenter ones that destroy wood, in OUR house! I read somewhere that Febreeze kills them which doesn’t surprise me since it’s a laboratory concoction of nasty chemicals. It seemed to ward them off for now because I was not attacked by ants biting my face this morning, nor did I see any on the walls. If this potion continues to work I am buying 10 bottles of “fresh linen” killer-ant-spray. I don’t have much else to add today since it just began, so have a wonderful day lovelies!

 

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Wedding Day Decorations

 

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Wedding Layout and Decorations