Breaking Trust…..Again 💔

Disclaimer: I wrote the rough draft over a week ago as I am still fumbling around with the stupid Block Editor. However, this event does not dismiss the emotional turmoil, exhaustion, and frustration I have regarding what happened last week. Things are still awful and I am as moody as ever, since I am having a hard time coming to terms with things. I am not sure where to go from here or how to remedy the situation. It is hard for me to give you enough context without sharing too much of my private life online.

Sept 7, 2020 @11:55 AM: I am scrolling, scrolling. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I am trying so hard not to cry. No, this cannot be real. This cannot be happening again. We had a promise. A promise of trust so fragile that it shattered yet again. A promise so fleeting that I could feel it escaping through my fingers like sand. I find myself screaming and shaking like someone who is in the midst of a mental breakdown. Then it dawned on me: Maybe I can take the pain away with some painkillers. Tylenol is innocent enough, it wont hurt me… maybe then, my emotional pain will disappear and I won’t have to feel anything. I just want to feel nothing…. 

I wish that I didn’t have to write this depressing post. I wish that yesterday didn’t happen, but it did. I took a more than the recommended dose of Tylenol. My liver may not have been too happy with me but I am fine. I suggest that you try to suppress your pain with medication. It will not take away your emotional pain. To feel any kind of relief, I think I would need to black out which might be accomplished with alcohol. I abstain from alcohol and I don’t take prescription meds, so the strongest thing I have is Tylenol. Once I swallowed 2/3 of a bottle of Advil in one sitting, took a nap, and woke up with an unrelenting headache. I was fine. Nobody found out about it until a few months later, and by then, I was back to my old self, distracted by academia. 

Miku Hatsune, Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/253679447

I can relate if you are reading this post and desperately want to numb your emotional pain too. To an extent, I understand the challenges that people face with mental health challenges, and I get that life is not all sunshine and rainbows. You will probably be hurt several times in your lifetime, and those you are closest to will probably end up hurting you most. I am writing this blog post because it’s incredibly painful for me to process what happened yesterday, and I just want to be understood. If you want to read about a similar experience I had a few months ago, you can read that blog post here.

Reflecting on 2020 so far, 2020 has been a weird year for all of us. I have been working on getting my $hit together since the beginning of the year. Did the pandemic disrupt my plans? Yes and no. Sure, I did not get to travel this summer but that is not why I am upset. Like I said in my earlier post, it is hard to stay positive when I am dealing with $hit that is VERY triggering for me. My mental health is fragile and I need to do everything I can to protect my well-being. Reflecting on my previous post , we know that there needs to be mutual trust between 2 or more people, in order for any relationship or team to thrive. 

What is so difficult about being honest? Why do you refuse to change your ways when you know that your behaviour hurts me? I don’t care if being honest is more painful than covering up the truth with a bunch of lies. What hurts the most is having the nerve to lie to my face without blinking an eyelash. Even when I question your behaviour, you respond with a lie. You are emotionally unavailable and uninvested in what we were working so hard to build. A relationship is built on 3 things: communication, trust, and affection (may be intimate or non-intimate). 

Liar, Liar 🔥

This is what I want to know: Have you ever told a lie, and did it end well for you? Because it did not end well for me. When someone tells a lie, they end up hurting the people around them. Even if they get away with their lie today, it will eventually catch up to them. Some of the best liars are known to be sociopaths and psychopaths because they are constantly forced to cover up their lies and believe their own BS. Also, they are known to have incredible memory recall. Imagine yourself telling a bunch lies and then having to remember those lies today, tomorrow, a month from now, and even years from now. The psychopath or sociopath might get away with it, but the rest of us will eventually caught. The person who hurt me certainly did get caught and I am still PO’d.

Do you believe that it is ever OK to lie to someone, or continue to lie to someone for whatever reason? Please join the conversation and leave a comment below ↓ I really enjoy reading your comments! ❤️

Thanks for stopping by!

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Breaking Trust

1:00 AM: My heart is pounding through my chest and anger rages through my veins like a forest fire. I’m not angry – I’m furious. I feel like the carpet has been pulled out from under my feet by some prankster. Right now, I’m sobbing like a 2-year old who desperately longs for a comforting hug and a popsicle to soothe the pain. In reality, I am an adult and I won’t be eating any popsicles tonight to help me self-soothe the pain away. The pain I feel is emotional and I’m not the type to eat my feelings anyways.

I apologize for wasting your time with another depressing post. If you would prefer to read something more uplifting and positive, feel free to click away. Because this is the internet and everyone can read my blog posts, I cannot openly express who hurt me or share the juicy details with you. That being said, this post isn’t directed towards you or anyone else in the blogging community. I am writing this blog post because it’s incredibly painful for me to fathom what happened last night and I just want to be understood.

As some of you already know, 2019 has been a bad year for me. I try my best to stay positive but it’s difficult when I’m dealing with $hit that is VERY triggering to my mental health and well-being. Tomorrow, I have my first cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) session on campus so I plan to discuss my anxiety and trust issues with the therapist. I have been on a 3-month waiting list so I am grateful that I am finally getting some professional help.

What the hell is happening to the world?

Everyone handles anger differently. My anger accumulates in the pit of my stomach which makes it difficult for me to eat after experiencing hurt or betrayal. My negative emotions feel like a tangled ball of anger, envy, jealousy, and frustration towards everything that’s wrong in my life right now. It is like I am drowning in my own sea of negative emotions and I have lost the ability to breathe.

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This elegant image of Miku Hatsune illustrates depression in an artistic way. Source: https://weheartit.com/entry/253679447

As Sheldon states from The Big Bang Theory, “Everything is changing and it’s simply too much!” After being mislead and lied to by my loved ones this week, I don’t know who I can trust anymore. I have been lied to by friends in the past which seriously sucks, but loved ones… really? Am I destined to be lied to by everyone I encounter in my life? What other secrets have they been keeping from me?

10:00 AM: In my book, lying is NOT okay. From the moment I met you, I made it very clear that lying is unacceptable and that I won’t tolerate it. However, you made the choice to keep me in the dark by making me oblivious and ignorant to the world around me. Like they say, ignorance is bliss…. but is it really bliss? Even though you felt like it was best to protect me during my most vulnerable moments, you still lied to my face and broke the foundation that we worked so hard to build. You probably felt like I was too emotionally unstable to handle the truth, but you also kept me in the dark. Right now, I’m having a hard time trusting anyone including you.

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Trust is a fragile thing – difficult to build and easy to break.

How does it feel when you realize that you’ve been lied to? Do you believe that it is ever OK to lie to someone? Please join the conversation and leave a comment below ↓ I really enjoy reading your comments! ❤️

Thanks for stopping by!

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Life is Not All Sunshine and Rainbows

dff7ca3cb3feec55e26b53eab08ad421This week, a wave of depression hit me like the plague. I’ve been dragging my feet since Monday, through slush, snow., anger, and sadness. The sun shone a little today but was mostly overcast. Nonetheless, I am enjoying the longer sunny days now that spring is right around the corner – so that’s something to be grateful for. Today wasn’t a good day since my mood made me completely incapable of concentrating on the task at hand and thus, I left clinical practice early. I cannot afford to miss any more days so this depression needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. At least I am consciously aware of it and want to do something about the problem.

Here’s what I cannot do: I cannot pretend to be fine when I am not fine. In fact, people can see right through my facade. I know exactly what led to my depression and my neuroses caused me to negatively react, ruminate over the things I lack, and continue to dwell on my own shortcomings. However, even with strong willpower and determination to accept life as is, I don’t think that my depression could have been prevented. Eventually, I would have gotten “the news.”

depression-quote-hp-44-1What saddens me most is that I am not where I want to be in life, and I feel stuck which frustrates me so much. Part of me blames myself for royally screwing up school the first time around, thus forcing me to take not one but two degrees, and therefore, wasting 8-9 years of my life in university. I could have been a nurse by now. I could have been working in NICU by now. I could have had a house by now. I could have left this country by now. I could have been accomplishing better things by now. I could have been ahead by now. It feels like I am living in an illusion that is based solely on schedules, lack of time, coffee, deadlines…..and what for?

In order to deal with my depression, I plan on limiting distractions so that I can focus on school or at least until I finish the semester. There are 33 days left in the semester so during this time, I plan to limit all distractions in order to calm my worried little mind.

Thank you for understanding if I’m AFK.

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Boundaries Matter

 

What are boundaries and why does it matter? 
Everyone should have their own set of explicit rules regarding personal boundaries. Personal boundaries include material boundaries, physical boundaries, mental boundaries, emotional boundaries, and even sexual boundaries. Personally, I know people who have a lack of personal boundaries which translates into a lack of respect for themselves. I also know generous people who are easily taken advantage of and are unable to stick up for themselves. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are people who have a very firm understanding of their boundaries and ultimately, respect themselves and their personal rights. In an ideal world, we should all learn how to stick up for ourselves when our boundaries are crossed. We should also learn how to let go of toxic friends who are sucking the energy and joy out of our lives. For the majority of my life, I was easily taken advantage of because I am a people pleaser by default. I was afraid of losing friends if I were to upset them in any way. Being blunt towards a crappy friend is a messy process and it is probably going to hurt you in one way or another. This is all part of growing up and behaving like an adult, and it’s time that we start being adults.

Settling for crappy friends is better than being alone, right?
I let people take advantage of me for years and still have a very hard time standing up for myself. To this day, I don’t like confronting people face to face but have no problems sending a very blunt email or letter. Over the years, however, I learned that being a doormat in order to please others is actually harmful to my psyche. Just like being taken advantage of is a learned behavior, learning to stick up for yourself because you actually respect yourself is also a learned behavior – and a much healthier one!

If something doesn’t feel right, then why do you keep doing it?
After pondering this question for years, I have concluded that if something is causing you pain, then the best thing to do is to walk away. Often times, people do not want to change themselves and you cannot expect them to change for you. You can rip the bandage off now or peel the bandage off slowly, but it has to come off. You need to set yourself free of these toxic people. The initial pain of cutting them out of your life will hurt, but you are doing yourself a huge favor by practicing self-care.

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Image: http://visit-miyajima-japan.com/en/culture-and-heritage/spiritual-heritage-temples-shrines/le-torii-flottant.html

It’s Not Me, It’s YOU!

These people face many problems of their own and likely come from broken pasts. We all have problems and deep psychological issues but the difference between us and them is our level of self-awareness and our ability to take full responsibility for our actions. Usually, these people are initially harmless and probably want someone who will give them the time of day, but the biggest conflict arises when they translate your kindness as some kind of love interest or booty call. This topic is taboo for me, and I do not want to pursue a friendship with anyone who believes that I am sexually available. I am a married woman and I feel that Millenials don’t take marriage as seriously as previous generations. Despite that, what really sickens me is the lack of respect for not only myself but also my marriage. The most frustrating aspect of this type of friendship occurs when [he] continues to seek validation by questioning whether or not I’m still friends with [him]. You should know where you stand with me, and if you can sense that I am annoyed, then you should be aware that you’re being a tool. This type of behavior becomes toxic when the person continues to cling to you like cat hair and continues to seek your approval regarding their thoughts and actions. They may ask you questions like, “Is this okay/Am I good enough/What do you think of… etc.?” as a way to confirm that their thoughts and actions are in line with yours. And if they frequently rub you the wrong way by saying or doing disturbing things on a daily/weekly basis, prepare for the avalanche of “I’m sorr[ies].” When adults make mistakes, we handle these issues on an emotional, and conscious level. “I’m sorry” is the shallowest form of an apology and lacks any kind of deeper meaning, especially on a mature level.

Guilt and Resentment

Anger and anxiety are usually the first indicators that something is wrong in a platonic friendship. To this day, I still struggle with feelings of guilt and resentment towards people who have wronged me. I hate tension and dislike upsetting people even if they may be toxic in the long-run. By walking away, I am not only setting myself free from pain but I am also setting the other person free from being misled by an unauthentic friendship that I have established with them. In this way, I am setting them free from being misled. Instead of enduring several more months or even years of anger, guilt, and resentment, I can rip off the bandage now and start healing today. This healing process starts as soon as you have walked away from the toxic parasite.

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The Great Wave off Kanagawa | Taken from Wikipedia.org

When will you know when it is time to let them go? 
If you tell someone time and time again to back off, and they still don’t get it or can’t take the hint, it is okay to excuse yourself and walk away from the friendship. It is okay to nicely tell them that you cannot stay friends with them because they repeatedly disrespect your boundaries and that you feel uncomfortable being around them. If someone crosses my line, whether it’s through inappropriate actions or vulgar language, then I will question my friendship with this person. Often, I give people too many chances with the hopes that they will somehow smarten up and start treating me with respect. Sadly, these people are unlikely to change their ways because they don’t think anything is wrong with their behavior. Remember, disrespect is a learned behavior, but that does not exempt them from being a shitty friend because their personality sucks. Moral of the story: Find better friends.

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S.L.E.E.P.S. 7-Day Challenge | Day 6

comfortableToday is day 6 of the 7-Day S.L.E.E.P.S. Challenge and it is bittersweet. In a way, I am relieved that this challenge is almost finished because my schedule is starting to get busy again. After this challenge is over, I need to complete a few collaboration posts (did I say that right?) that I have been putting off for way too long. But once I have published these posts, I don’t plan on posting for a while so that I can focus on school. You can still find me in the WordPress community but I probably won’t be creating much content.

Last night, I was in physical pain and had a difficult time falling asleep. I knew that there was only one thing to do – call the doctor’s office this morning. It is better to nip it in the bud now than to ignore it and make a trip to the ER later. My schedule doesn’t allow for much free time so I knew that I had to get this issue taken care of now. Like anything in life, nothing happens without action. You can talk about making a change but what good is it without taking action? Ignoring the issue or procrastinating isn’t going to make the problem go away, so you are better off taking care of the annoyance now.

If you would like to read about the S.L.E.E.P.S. 7-day challenge, you can find my first posting here. This challenge was originally mentioned on a podcast called Operation Self Reset. The purpose of this challenge is to document personal progress, crush goals, and conquer fears over the duration of 7 consecutive days. Here is the breakdown from Day 1:

The acronym is S.L.E.E.P.S.
S – Smile: what made you smile yesterday?
L – Learn: what did you learn today?
E – Exercise: how did you exercise?
E – Execute (x4): what are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them?
P – Phone call: who did you call/text today? Show them gratitude.
S – Smile: what made you smile today?

Day 6 ~ May 23, 2018 

S – Have you ever taken the time to appreciate the little things in life? This week has required me to tap into my emotional well being and do some deep reflective thinking. We are wired to avoid deep thinking and instead, we prefer to take the easy route, to distract ourselves, and to avoid conflict. By working on personal development in order to become your best self, you have to become uncomfortable. Most people don’t want to feel uncomfortable because being in a vulnerable place feels wrong to them.

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This is exactly why I love podcasts so much. Usually, I would dive into a good book but this conflicts with my best interests. I am trying to practice minimalism which means that I try not to buy paperback copies anymore. Besides, I never understood the point of a kindle when the iPad does the same thing. Over time, I have learned to embrace audiobooks and podcasts. I also find that I pay more attention while listening to a podcast than I do from reading a good book. This is how my brain is wired, and in case you are wondering where my advice comes from, I did not make this stuff up. Nobody on this planet is born full of knowledge. We learn from others. I can only tell you what works and what doesn’t from my personal experiences.

L – What did I learn today? To take action when there is a problem! My main reason for taking action was physical pain, and fear of being in even more pain by Monday. Don’t procastinate. It is only the mind’s way of playing a trick on you. Procrastination is nothing more than an illusion that tricks you into feeling fine when in reality, you will need to face the problem eventually. Chances are, the problem will escalate into a worse case scenario the longer you put things off. Now if only I could apply this to school work. I came up with a plan last night to make a chart on the computer that includes all of the due dates week-by-week, similar to the one that was provided to us last semester.

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Spongebob Squarepants speaks to me on a spiritual level •◡•

E – I saw the doctor on campus today and got some exercise. I could feel the tingling in my legs while I was walking home. Every day, I can feel my body becoming more and more toned which is definitely a result of my walks to and from campus. My clothes are starting to fit better and I am feeling more confident these days. If you are trying to lose weight, ditch the scale. You can tell if you are getting healthier based on how your clothes fit along with knowing where you stand in terms of Body Mass Index (BMI).

E – Here are my plans for today:
(1) Figure out a carpooling schedule for tomorrow morning
(2) Write up a document with week-to-week due dates
(3) Call in-laws to see how my daughter is doing
(4) Send some important emails this week

P – I haven’t made any phone calls yet because the day is still young. I am planning on calling the in-laws again to see how my baby girl is doing. I decided to write this blog post earlier in the day so that I am not overwhelmed by it later tonight. Tomorrow is a very busy day for me and I need to prepare for it. Also, I have been thinking about a family friend who is expecting. I often wonder how she is doing. As much as I dislike making phone calls, I really think that I should call her. I have been putting it off due to social anxiety but this is exactly why I should do it. Getting uncomfortable is the key to becoming a better person.

S – What made me smile today? Today, I talked to another student who is in my program and she was very friendly. We chatted for a while and I learned that we share a lot in common. Talking to her made me smile. In contrast, the doctor who accompanied me wasn’t particularly friendly. I could tell that she was in a hurry and didn’t tell me why she was taking my blood pressure, which is very unprofessional in my opinion. I believe that all healthcare professionals need to show more compassion towards their patients which should be their primary focus prior to providing treatment.

Will you join me on this 7-day challenge? Please leave a comment below ↓ and feel free to leave a link to your blog if you decide to join me. I would love to read about your S.L.E.E.P.S. Let’s spread some love while crushing our goals!

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Pandora’s Box

It has finally happened. All of the sleepless nights I spent wondering whatever happened to Jenna* became very clear but only for a millisecond. I had forgotten that I buried Pandora’s Box under a pile of 0’s and 1’s, hidden in a place where boredom and curiosity finally revealed it for all its worth. In other words, I didn’t realize that I had access to her gossip and haterade. I had completely forgotten that we were still “friends” in that realm which meant I would be able to see her entire profile. However, whether or not it was my Guardian Angels or God, they protected me at that very moment. Reflexively, I deleted Pandora’s Box, where it will ultimately remain out of my reach forever, and I did this without thinking, without comprehending what had just happened. I only realized what I had done seconds later. Without reading all of the FOMO that I could have feasted my eyes upon tonight, everything vanished before curiosity could even kill the cat. In the end, I didn’t get to see or read anything, which is the irony of it all.

Spoiler alert: the cat is very much alive. Here I was, so close to getting what I wanted, and when I finally had the chance to read her latest gossip like a kid in a candy shop, I had banished it before my eyes like a parent to my inner child.

Did I do this subconsciously out of anger and loathing?

Or did I do this because, at that very moment, a spirit much larger than humankind decided to protect me? But what does this even mean?

Was there something in Pandora’s Box that would have deeply hurt me had I read it? I mean, JD hurt me terribly, and I am still trying to move on in order live a life free of drama.

But what exactly was in her box that I needed to be protected from?

Perhaps, if I am being protected for my own good, then this realization makes me even more curious about what was in Pandora’s Box. At the same time, this eye-opening experience is a reminder that I must remove my washed-up digital footprint from the universe so that another rendezvous like this one won’t happen again. People say that whatever you share online lasts forever, so if that statement is true, I will finally remove my past by locking it up for good and throwing away the key so that nobody, including myself, will have access to it.

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Jenna* is no her real name. The name has been changed because of #confidentiality

 

What is “normal”, anyway?

I am on a verge of a mental breakdown. It has been 2 months since I moved into my apartment. During my first week here, I assumed that cats lived above me because it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop and there were no signs of obnoxious behavior. At least, not yet. This was before Godzilla moved in a few days later, prior to the start of winter semester. I am writing this post because I want my voice to be heard. I feel like the people around me don’t care or have the time of day to listen to me complain, and they don’t sympathize with me at all.

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Perhaps the downside of being extremely intelligent? 🙆

I am a 20-something female who you would call introverted, a girl who keeps to herself, a girl who suffers from social anxiety and to make matters worse, a girl who has Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) to an extent. Although my mother had me tested as a child, I do not think that the doctors were actually testing me for ADD, more so, they were looking for a learning disability. Isn’t that what ADD is, a learning disability? However, they didn’t confirm that I have ADD. It takes me significantly longer to complete assignments and tests compared to the average person, and I do not get any special treatment. People treat me like any normal person because like I said before, my ADD was never diagnosed or confirmed, and therefore, it must not exist. The world is very linear but my world is much more complex. Even though I wasn’t diagnosed with hypersensitivity, I know for a fact that I am a chronic sufferer of this condition along with social anxiety, thus, making apartment living unbearable.

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My 8-month-old daughter at the time

Apartment living is a nightmare for me, especially at night when I need to sleep for my 8am classes and 9-hour campus days. What one would call normal noise threshold, I would call loud. I cannot tolerate noise whatsoever. The noise threshold of a concert or DJ playing music at a wedding is too much for me. My ears do not shut out loud noises like normal people and yes, the doctor confirmed that I was born this way. I have autistic tendencies, but I wouldn’t say that these are necessarily bad qualities. For example, we did not have a dance at our wedding and I have no regrets whatsoever. We had a day wedding so we decided that a dance, which usually occurs at night, was not necessary. My 15-month old daughter did not inherit my genes because she can sleep through booming noises with ease. She must have inherited these superpowers from her daddy.

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Sheldon’s struggle is real

My hypersensitivity is really starting to negatively affect my life. I started wearing earplugs all the time in the apartment, on the bus, while walking to campus etc. and I hardly ever remove them from my ears, thus exacerbating the issue of mysophobia – a sensitively/hatred to sound which has been found to be common in people with hypersensitivity. Godzilla, my neighbor upstairs, enjoys being obnoxious especially when I am trying to study or sleep and it has started to take a negative toll on my life. I still fail to get quality sleep despite the industrial earplugs, white noise machine, and fan blasting in my bedroom. As a result, my grades will pay the ultimate price due to lack of focus and concentration. Thanks, insomnia! Surprisingly, my essay writing skills have improved but writing takes significantly less brain power vs. studying. When I write essays, my mind is on autopilot while I blast Tokyo Ghoul instrumental music to drown out the elephant, er, I mean…. gorilla stomps above me. I have tried studying on campus, but at night I cannot sleep because of Godzilla’s annoying tendencies. I don’t want to complain or continue to aggressively bang on the ceiling since these temporary solutions are not long-term answers. I already requested transferring to the top floor but my request could not be accommodated for various reasons. Today I cried my little heart out. I felt defeated and mentally drained. I have even considered behavioral therapy but who has the time for that?

I’m desperate for solutions, so if you are reading my blog post and can relate to my struggle, please leave your suggestions in the comment section below ↓ I am desperate for your help.