Whatever This Is

“Whatever this is, wherever this takes me, I will find my own way, one step at a time.” —nonsensical quote by Me, Myself, and I

COVID-19 has long extended its stay and it is starting to affect my life in a negative way. First, here is a quick update as to why I disappeared from the blogging sphere. I went back to school in mid September and I have been busy with 13hr-clinical shifts at the hospital. Days when I am not there, I am at home catching up on sleep. Things were going smoothly up until last week, when I was told to isolate for 14+ days as the unit is officially on coronavirus watch. I do not know what this entails except that I have been out of school for almost a week now with no return date in sight.

I do not like leaving my fate in someone else’s hands. 2019 and 2020 taught me to take control of my own life, where I started taking accountability and responsibility for all of my actions and fuck-ups. In this case, however, I am challenged by uncertainty and I do not like that. Skipping school, regardless of whether they are day shifts or graveyard shifts, feels wrong to me. Also, nobody else seems bothered by the fact that I am supposed to be at clinical right now, and yet here in my pajamas, frittering my life away. Am I taking life too seriously? Is my neurosis out of control? I am halfway through final semester and yet my hands are tied behind my back. I cannot move, as if I am a chess piece being cornered by the most obnoxious opponent ever. I am looking at you, COVID-19. And I do not want to play this game anymore.

The cat doesn’t even know what to do with himself.

We Are All Fine. Except We Aren’t Fine.

Is this depression? No, I know what depression feels like. Honestly, I do not know how to describe this empty feeling that I have been dealing with lately. I am sure that many of you have also been negatively impacted by the pandemic, whether it is directly or indirectly. Tell me, how are you coping with the pandemic? Are you fine? Because I am not fine. I think it is time that we stop convincing ourselves that this way of life is supposed to our new “normal.” Because this is NOT a normal way to live, people. All it takes is one covidiot to wreck havoc on someone’s semester, career etc. And this is the exception where I refuse to take accountability and responsibility for something that is completely out of my control.

In the meantime, my family and I are doing everything we can to stay healthy during these unprecedented times. People often tell me that they feel unsafe and overwhelmed that others aren’t following the rules. I remind them that we cannot control how other people think, act or behave. Instead of focusing on things that we cannot control, we would be better off focusing on more productive things. There is no reason to fear things like in-store grocery shopping for instance. Back in the day, online shopping did not exist during pandemics and people managed just fine. Do not fear grocery stores and malls – just do your due diligence by wearing a mask, washing your hands, and practicing social distancing. Use common sense and you should be fine.

If you never watched this show, then you missed out on childhood.

So now, I guess we play the waiting game and hope for the best 🤷‍♀️ In the meantime, I will be eagerly waiting for updates regarding school and how to proceed from here. I also plan to update you about my personal life in a future blog post but it is still too early to disclose any details yet. Today I feel like a hot mess as I sip my Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha, but I do not care. There is nowhere else to go. There is nothing else to do except wait and see what the future holds. This time, I am leaving my fate up to the Universe.

Thanks for stopping by!

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Sickly People Everywhere

I initially wanted to write about paying it forward, because I have been blessed with little acts of kindness by people lately. This post ended up being completely different than what I had initially planned to write about. I do not post often because I am in school right now while trying to juggle family and school life. I am aware that I focus most of my attention on other areas of my life, and consequently, this blog suffers because of it.  And I am genuinely sorry for my absence. Unfortunately I will be MIA until April 18, 2019.

funny-college-life-graph-triangle

Here is the dilemma that I am dealing with. If you are a student, you may have seen this before.

I want to update you on how I have been doing. In December, if you had read my cookie post, you would have known I was really ill. I ended up getting bronchitis which took additional time to recover. By the time I started feeling human again, the winter semester had started so I needed to focus my attention on school. FOCUS is important to me and school is my top priority. I get criticized for saying this my daughter should be my top priority, right? Right. I devote time to both school AND my daughter but it’s really hard to balance things. I cannot be present 100% of the time for my daughter and I admit I am probably not the best mother in the world right now. But if you are going to judge me, try going to nursing school yourself while trying to devote all of your time to your toddler without encountering these problems:

In February, I was hit with the flu and ended up with recurrent bronchitis. Bronchitis seems to linger in sickly Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency (Alpha-1) carriers like me. It is an inherited condition which presents itself similar to asthma. I noticed that my lungs are worse in my late 20’s than they were in my teenage and childhood years.  For this reason, I cannot participate in activities that require running or any strenuous physical activity or I’ll have air hunger. Believe me, it’s awful.

WhatsApp Image 2019-02-27 at 12.22.00 PM

Sometimes I escape to this place to get work done. Let nature heal you 😊

I thought I was over being sickly and that my body had enough antibodies to fight off whatever sickness lingers on doorknobs and cursed sneezes. The university is full of sickly people. Students feel the need to attend class despite being ill, which I am guilty of myself. Nursing students cannot afford to skip school. I caught something a few days ago which presented itself as a persistent, uncomfortable sore throat and horse cough. I already know how this is going to end which is likely a head cold and sleepless nights. Fun. Now pair this with conjunctivitis (pink eye) and you really have something going for you. I’ve had conjunctivitis for a few days now and saw a doctor yesterday. The doctor advised me to stay home today so that the medication can work its magic. Hopefully my eyes will be less swollen and red by tomorrow!

How do you find balance in your life? How do you balance personal life with school? Please leave a comment below↓

Thanks for stopping by!

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